


How to make Oikawa hate you

by wynniwirt



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack, I swear, In chapter 2, Inaccurate, I’ll write the actual wedding later, John Mulaney References, M/M, Memes, Ok so everyone is here just not mentioned, Shenanigans, There’s not an actual wedding!, This Is STUPID, Wedding Night, Well there is an actual wedding!, legit the first chapter is crack, lots of references, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:41:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28739673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wynniwirt/pseuds/wynniwirt
Summary: Hanamaki had a brilliant plan for his and Matsukawa’s wedding. It will definitely piss off Oikawa and will be hilarious. It’s a double win!
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 10
Kudos: 36





	1. Matsuhana: 3 AM wedding shenanigans

**Author's Note:**

> This first chapter is absolute crack. I don’t actually believe this is their real wedding.  
> Please enjoy! 
> 
> Of course, my friend @skelelor-but-abnormally-bi helped me out! Check them out!!!  
> And I’m @wynniwirt if you want to talk!!!

Hey, Mattsun, my love, my life, my homie, the yee to my haw, the peanut butter to my jelly, the bread to my butter, my one and only fiancé?” Hanamaki asks while sitting on Matsukawa’s lap. 

Matsukawa hums and says “Yes my love, my All Star, my moon, my homie, the green to my Shrek, the hand to my job, also my fiancé. But no homo?” 

“Do you want to know what would be hilarious? If we had two weddings. But one for shits and giggles, mostly to piss off Oikawa cause that would be hilarious, and the second one would be the real thing.” 

Matsukawa nodded, and said, “It would be pretty funny. Imagine everyone’s faces. The horror. The scandal. We need to hire someone to take pictures of peoples reactions of course. We should do this on March 15th and have our actual wedding on April 1st. No one would know which one is the crack wedding and which one is actually supposed to be serious. And we don’t tell anyone until after. ” 

Hanamaki grinned and kissed Matsukawa on the cheek. “Of course. Brilliant. I knew that I’m marrying you for a good reason.” 

Matsukawa gave him a peck on the lips and says, “what’s our game plan?” 

Hanamaki smirks, “Okay, so here’s what we’re gonna do. Interrupt if you want to do something different.” 

March 15th 

Everyone was confused. People were in tuxedos and gowns. The venue seemed correct but the time didn’t seem right. At all. But it was there on the invitation, and they wanted to support their friends through the happiest moments of their lives. 

YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO THE WEDDING OF HANAMAKI TAKAHIRO AND MATSUKAWA ISSEI  
TIME: 3 AM  
WHERE: BY THE HOMOPHOBIC CHURCH ON 6TH AND 11TH. BUT NOT INSIDE THE CHURCH. JUST OUTSIDE. NEAR THE GIANT OAK TREE WITH THE HAMMOCK AND SWING SET  
DRESS YOUR ABSOLUTE BEST!  
BE THERE OR BE SQUARED! 

To be fair, people had the right to be concerned. It was a weird time to be meeting up and looking fancy. Also it was a homophobic church. They wondered how they got them to agree in the first place. And if they are crazy. Oikawa stared at the fairy lights around the giant trees. There were some huge lights so everyone could see each just fine. Enough seats for everyone to sit. Nothing looked too far out of place. The hammock and the swing sets would be a nice place to get pictures. 

Everyone started to find their seats and sat down waiting for the grooms to show up. Apparently no has seen either one of them. 

The chatter was about to die down when music started playing. It was a horrible rendition of the Bridal Chorus started, the instruments were just kazoos and recorders. The chatter started up a little, out of confusion, out of shock. People around Oikawa looked at him to see his face. He looked to be sputtering in complete shock. For an accurate description, just imagine a goldfish trying to breath out of water. 

That’s when people saw one of the grooms. Hanamaki naruto ran down the aisle. He was wearing a jumpsuit? 

He stopped at the end of the aisle and grinned at all his friends. Of course they agreed to not invite their family to this wedding, they did not want to be disowned. Only friends. 

It somehow got worse. Hanamaki grinned at the look of horror on their faces when Matsukawa started coming down the aisle in a unicycle. Hanamaki stared at Oikawa, laughing about his expression. Oh. he thought, he is so gonna be pissed about this later. This was totally worth it. Wish I had a camera. 

Matsukawa came down the aisle on his unicycle,. Hanamaki yelled “HERE COMES DAT BOI!”  
Matsukawa grinned “OH SHIT WADDAP!!!”  
He jumped off his unicycle and gave a theatrical bow to their friends. 

They both grinned at the awful makeup, which consisted of poorly applied purple glittery eyeshadow, and pink lipstick. They both wore complimentary jumpsuits though, Hanamaki wore a pastel green while Matsukawa wore a pastel pink. They both had rainbow crocs on. They look almost beautiful in a chaotic way. 

Oikawa managed to get his wits together and screams “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO??? I HELPED PLAN YOUR WEDDING FOR MONTHS? YOU GUYS ARE CRAZY! IT’S 3 FUCKING A.M IN THE MORNING?” 

Iwaizumi had to hold him back but he was laughing. He said “What did you expect? Of course they were gonna pull some stunt. Besides, it’s their wedding. Let them do what they want, even if it means having a crack wedding that they will have to explain in the future.”

Hanamaki nods, “Yeah Oikawa, let us live, let us breath.” 

Matsukawa added, “It is our wedding. And I would like to say my vows.” 

Matsukawa cleared his throat, “Ahem. ‘According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway. Because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.” Barry’s hand flipping through different sweaters in his closet. Barry said “Yellow black, yellow black, yellow black, yellow black, yellow black, yellow black...oohh, black and yellow…’ we are like the bee movie. Nobody wants to see us together but it don’t matter.” 

Hanamaki had tears in his eyes, as if Matsukawa had sung his praises about hanging the moon and stars. To be fair Hanamaki looks at him like that regardless. 

Hanamaki wipes a tear from his eye. “That was beautiful.” 

Everyone looked around in confusion. It was The Bee Movie script. 

Hanamaki took a breath and said his vows. “‘The FitnessGram Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal bodeboop. A sing lap should be completed every time you hear this sound. ding Remember to run in a straight line and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark. Get ready!… Start. ding’” 

Matsukawa put a hand to his heart and said “Ding.” 

After this they stared at the officiator. Which is actually not an officiator, but a tube man which you would find outside of car dealerships. How no one noticed is beyond my knowledge. 

Hanamaki said in a low voice to impersonate the tube man, “Ah, such young love. Never seen two pretty best friends before.” 

Matsukawa spoke, copying Hanamaki’s voice and said “What a good looking couple. Good thing they’re marrying each other. No one would be able to handle their genius.” 

They both said at the same time “You may now kiss the groom!” 

They both kissed and afterwards Matsukawa said “Bro. No homo?” 

Hanamaki nodded and said “I’m wearing socks. Of course no homo.” 

They both proceeded to walk down the aisle together while leaving everyone wondering if they’re on drugs. 

The wedding reception was somehow even more chaotic. No one thought it could but then again alcohol is involved. 

Hanamaki and Matsukawa first danced to the song All Star. And it wasn’t even dancing together. They were doing the Macarena. 

Oikawa is wondering if he can get new friends. Iwaizumi is having a blast. He thinks it’s hilarious. Their younger class men are wondering how they ever had respect for their senpais. 

After the first dance, Hanamaki changed his outfit to the inflatable T-Rex costume. Matsukawa decided he didn’t want to. But he added sunglasses. 

Meme music was playing on the speakers, at the moment was Darude Storm. 

Oikawa decided enough was enough. He gathered everyone around and said, “Okay people. This wedding was a disaster from start to finish. It’s like 5 am in the morning. Who wants to leave and get some sleep?” 

Everyone agreed that it was kind of a disaster, but it was hilarious. But they were tired. So they bid their goodbyes to each other. 

Oikawa glared at the grooms and snarled at them “Hope you're happy about your little stunt.” 

Hanamaki glanced at him through the plastic little window, “Actually, I am. Thank you for showing us what not to do at a wedding.” 

Matsukawa just nodded and said “Besides these glasses are gucci your words can’t hurt me.” 

Iwaizumi laughed and wrapped an arm around Oikawa’s waist. “Come on. It’s already done. Let them be.”

Oikawa huffed and walked away with Iwaizumi. 

Matsukawa watched them walk away, “Bless Iwaizumi. I think we would have been killed years ago without him.” 

Hanamaki nodded. 

Then they heard sirens getting closer. Some people were still here and were kind of panicking. 

Hanamaki sighed and grabbed a megaphone “Ok. So we forgot to mention. We didn’t actually ask permission to use their property. We’re technically trespassing. So uh…” 

He grabbed a glass bottle, threw it on the ground, and yelled “SCATTER!” 

Everyone started to run. WAP was playing in the background as everyone ran away. 

There’s some whores in this house  
There's some whores in this house 

No one was caught luckily, and all managed to escape before the police actually arrived on the scene. 

Hanamaki and Matsukawa agreed that this was the best idea ever. They made a scrap book of all their friends reactions to their wedding. But then they realized they should think of the actual wedding plans and how to invite them without them thinking it was a prank. 

Shit.


	2. Let’s try it again!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the actually wedding!!! Yay!!!   
> There might be a little angst, but other wise it’s good!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, my friend helped me! Check them out!   
> @skeletor- abnormally-bi   
> I’m @wynniwirt

“Sent the invitations? This time explaining that it’s real and not fake?” Asked Hanamaki. 

“Check” Matsukawa answered. 

“Cake ordered?” 

“Check.”

“Flowers?” 

“Check” 

“Color choices?” 

“Check” 

“Music/DJ?”

“Suits, best mans, everyone got their roles?” 

“Check, check, and check!” Matsukawa answered with a kiss on Hanamaki’s cheek with each check. 

“I think we got everything.” 

“I swear, the meme one was so much easier.” 

“I mean, this time we’re actually following Oikawa’s instructions. Which equals more stress.”

“Will I forever be salty that you get Iwaizumi as your best man? Yes I will.” Hanamaki said. 

“Not my fault you suck at the prestigious game of rock, paper, scissors.” 

“He’s gonna bother me when we have to be separated! You know this!” Hanamaki whined while flinging himself onto Matsukawa. 

“Exactly why I made sure to win. Besides, if he was yours, you’d get too nervous or something and make Iwaizumi arm wrestle you and then you’d be sweaty and lose so you’d be a sweaty sore loser when you go to the altar.” Matsukawa said while rubbing Hanamaki’s back. 

“I wouldn’t be a sore loser.” Hanamaki grumbled.   
Matsukawa hummed. “You would. Don’t try to deny it. But I love you.”

Hanamaki grinned, “ew you love me that’s embarrassing.” 

Matsukawa snorted, “we’ve been dating for 3 years. But you’re right. No homo.”

Hanamaki nodded. “No homo.” 

April 1st 

Hanamaki was pacing back and forth. He wasn’t going to lie, this was nerve racking. He’s surprised anyone showed up, especially the stunt they pulled last time. But they promised it was real and called people who they knew wouldn’t believe them. This time was different. This time was the real deal. Including family and friends. Even though it’s on April 1st, it’s just one more way to confuse their friends because what’s the point of a wedding besides to celebrate them and their genius ways to confuse their friends even more. 

Hanamaki really wished time would go faster and slower at the time. He really wanted to be at the altar already waiting for Matsukawa but also the idea of waiting was so nerve racking. 

He rubbed his hands against his suit pants. Ew. Sweaty palms are never fun. 

Oikawa was staring at him and said “Makki, calm down.” 

Hanamaki stared at him, “Calm down? It’s not like I’m getting married to the love of my life out there. In front of everyone. You’re right I should calm down. Is it too late to run?” 

Oikawa gaped at him. “What the fuck? Yes it is. Besides, you already got married once, what’s once again?” 

“Ummmm. Last time it was kind of a joke.” Hanamaki said.

“Yes, but knowing you two, you actually got a real certificate. So technically you’re getting married again. You can do this! You’re literally one of the best couples I know. Besides me and Iwa-chan of course.” 

“Are you comforting me because you believe in me, or because you spent so much time planning it?” Hanamaki asked. 

Oikawa pursed his lips, “little bit of both, can’t lie. But I wouldn’t have helped plan it if I didn’t believe in you guys. I would have said no. You know I would have.” 

Hanamaki nodded. “Very true. Ok you’re right. I got this. We got this. Yeah. I can do it. Besides, who else would understand my humor?” 

Oikawa clapped and jumped up, “that’s the spirit!” 

Kindachi poked his head through the door, “I just wanted to say everyone is seated and waiting for Hanamaki.” 

Oikawa and Hanamaki nodded. They both went out the door and went outside. Oikawa went to stand by the officiator. 

The place they picked was really stunning. It had vines and branches to form an arch and that’s where Hanamaki is going to stand to wait for Matsukawa. 

Music was playing as Hanamaki went down the aisle, with his dad, and stood by Oikawa to wait. Iwaizumi stood on the opposite side and gave him a thumbs up. 

Then came Matsukawa with his dad. Fuck. This is actually real. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He was so handsome. He was so gay. Can someone have another gay panic? 

Matsukawa came to a stop and held Hanamaki’s hands. 

They were both wearing black tuxes, deciding to go a bit easier on the color. Both agreeing black was easier. The only difference was Matsukawa decided to have a vest under his, with a pink tie, while Hanamaki gets sweaty easier, so he has no vest and is wearing a teal tie. 

Matsukawa whispered in awe “ bro, you’re absolutely beautiful.” 

Hanamaki stifled a laugh and remembered he was marrying Matsukawa Issei, his best friend, who’s seen him at his worst which we don’t speak about, (it was when he got drunk but thought he had a class the next day. It was snowing and he went to his class then realized there was no class because it was canceled due to the fact his teacher just gave birth. He threw up in the snow and had to call Matsukawa who laughed at him because he tried to tell him there was no class but Hanamaki wouldn’t listen) and celebrated with him at his best. (when he asked Matsukawa to marry him.) “Bro. You look pretty good yourself.” 

The officiator looked at them both and said “we will now begin.” 

It was time for the vows. 

Matsukawa started and said “I knew you were the one for me when we first met. The first time we met I don’t think I’ll ever forget. We first met at school, in the middle of English class, we were forced to watch Romeo and Juliet because the teacher wanted us to get used to Shakespeare or something. I don’t remember but we watched it the first day of school. And then that one scene where Juliet slept with Romeo I saw you, with your cute pink hair, whispered under your breath “damn I’m gay as fuck but I’m pretty sure that’s a nipple, man.” And I swear I never died so hard in my life. I then whispered back “yeah man. My innocent gay virgin eyes.” I don’t think you expected anyone to hear you but we both looked at each other and smirked. The teacher did give us a warning though. Said that was “inappropriate behavior from high school students.” But then we met at volleyball practice and I didn’t expect us to click even more. It was like finding a missing piece of a puzzle I didn’t even know I was missing. It was so satisfying and it has been the best 5 years of my life. When you asked me to marry you I was so happy I swear. I don’t think you knew but when I got home I cried, because I’d don’t think you could ever like me. But I swear you make me the happiest man alive, and I promise to make you too. I love you Hanamaki Takahiro.” 

Matsukawa had tears in his eyes, and Hanamaki could help it, but when he started to tear up, Hanamaki did too. 

“How can I beat that you jerk. Ok so here’s mine. When we met and I said that, you’re right, I didn’t think anyone would do that, let alone laugh at it or respond to it. You’re response made my day because I was new, and didn’t expect to make friends the first day. But to be honest I was shocked about the warning considering they literally implied sex but the teacher was crazy anyway. But I think meeting you was like a breath of fresh air. I was drowning at first, because I never had friends before, no one liked my humor or made fun of pink hair. So meeting you was a shock. Even better was when you joined the volleyball team. And you helped me from drowning. You saved me from years of being alone, and I don’t know how to thank you. You allowed me to be my true self, without asking for anything different. You helped me breathe. And l’m so glad to be marrying you. I hope to continue to make you happy as much as make me. I love you Matsukawa Issei.” 

They were both crying a little bit. He didn’t expect it to hit as hard. 

The officiator even had a bit of tears in his eyes. He then said “now the rings.” 

They both looked at each other. 

“What rings?” Matsukawa said.

Oikawa shouted “WHAT?!” 

Hanamaki shrugged and said “ I think we forgot the rings Mattsun.” 

They were both crying, this time from laughter. 

Oikawa looks like he’s gonna blow a fuse. He said “we can still salvage this. There’s a ring shop a few blocks down.” 

Matsukawa shook his head. “Nah. Then we’ll have to stop and that would be annoying for everyone. It’s fine. I have ring pops that I was going to save later. But I think it will do for now.” 

Hanamaki smiled and said “yeah that’ll be fine. Anything can be used if we believe hard enough.” 

Oikawa was fuming but he agreed. 

Turns out Matsukawa had two ring pops on him. He gave Hanamaki the red one and he got the blue one. Hanamaki and Matsukawa switched ring pops, Hanamaki slipped the red one on Matsukawa’s ring finger while Matsukawa slipped the blue on his ring finger. 

The officiator looked kind of confused but allowed it. He said “you may now now kiss the groom.” 

They both kissed. Hanamaki licked his ring pop and said “hmm, raspberry?” 

Matsukawa nodded. “I got cherry.” 

They both held hands as they both went down the aisle. They each took turns licking their own and each other’s ring pops because they’re husbands and it’s their wedding day, hence they’re allowed to share them. 

They’ll both admit it might have been weird, but it was a good weird for them. Besides, what’s a wedding without something going wrong? Oikawa will probably tell them off but they both agreed he can do it after the honeymoon. 

The first wedding song they played was Nicki Minaj- Starships (Pachelbel- Canon in D). 

This time it didn’t end with the police being called for trespassing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s actually a movie where Romeo and Juliet slept together and you can see one of her nipples. 
> 
> Yay it’s complete!!!

**Author's Note:**

> I will be writing a second chapter soon! This will be their real wedding! Not too many shenanigans, but of course it’s matsuhana, so there will be some!


End file.
